Update

Wow! So much has changed since I last wrote. I had the lapband surgery on 6/5. I am down 54lbs and 6 sizes! I am now in a size 8 and feel so much better about myself. This was the best decision I made for myself. We are still stuck in the same house, but we are trying to pay bills off with my check I get each month and his since he's now management at work so we can move. My mom and I really aren't speaking anymore. It's not that I don't care about her, because I do, however I'm sick of her cycling moods and blaming me for everything. No love lost. My dad, he's my rock. I talk to him daily. Ethan is in wrestling now, he loves it. The baby, we found out he's verbally developmentally delayed. But he's getting speech therapy for it. Well that's about it.

Civilization

I am just so ready to move from here that it's unreal. This isn't home, there's nothing here for me. I thought that when we moved back from Texas that it'd be like it was before we left we'd have friends, but it's not. We really don't have anyone, I have Jaime and he has AJ. My mom is constantly having bipolar episodes to the point that I don't even want to be around her, much less the kids, and his family, yeah right. He's always been the black sheep of the family in Michigan and in Kentucky. I hate it here so badly. I hate not having any friends, of all 600+ Facebook friends that I have, I can only say that one of them is a true friend, the rest are just aquaintances. I invited a lot to monkey's party only one showed up besides Luke. What does that say about who really cares about me and my kids. It hurts, it really does. I feel so alone. 

I mentioned to him about moving to Michigan, him getting his job at ACI back, to give us a fresh start, but he said that he didn't know. I know that it's never felt like home to him, partly because of Cathy. After we moved to Texas, Kentucky didnt really feel like home to me. Texas felt like home. I just want to get out of Kentucky, so I don't have to deal with my mother and her bs. I'm tired of it, sick of these bipolar episodes that I am subjected to, sick of being the punching bag, sick of her telling me that I need medication when I don't, and most of all I'm sick of her favoring Bub over monkey. I just want to go somewhere, Michigan, Texas, I don't care and start over. I want a house again, with a permanent foundation, fenced in yard, a pool, but most of all, I want to be happy again. 

I hate living where we do, far away from things, having to worry about the house being taken away by a tornado because its a double wide. I didn't think living in one would bother me, but it does. I hate not being able to drink my own water, dealing with mice all the time because we live in the middle of a field. I want a neighborhood again, I want my kids to have friends from the neighborhood. I wouldn't be objected to renting again, but Nathan is. I just want to be back in civilization. 

Changes...

Tomorrow starts a life changing journey for me. I'm starting the pre-op diet for the lap band surgery. My surgery is scheduled for June 5 at 0800. I am beyond excited. I'm tired of being fat, feeling unattractive, and living in sweats. Even in the summer I live in sweats. I hate feeling my thighs rub together when I'm in a dress or seeing how huge my arms are in a sleeveless shirt. I wish that I was like other people that didn't keep baby weight on. I'm almost back at my heaviest which was 223, and right now I'm at 218.4!  Yeah, you can say that I pretty much gave up. I was 197 last year after I had the baby. I just can't wait til I have this surgery so I can start to feel happy again. 

My mother is back on her bipolar cycle again. Her meds aren't working, she is back to taking things out on me for no reason, saying that I need meds, don't listen to me when I say that I want nothing to do with her until she gets meds that work, thinks that saying that she's ok or sorry will make things better-it won't. I'm not her punching bag anymore. I will not tolerate it, and will not have my kids around her when she's like this either!  She's just going to have to accept the fact hat I'm not in her life while she's like this. Not once I'm her life has she ever accepted responsibility for her own actions, and it's time that she does. It's high time that she does.  I'm just tired of it. Sick of being the punching bag, her thinking that its ok to take things out on me and then act like nothing ever happened.  I'm on the verge of cutting her out of my life completely. 

Lil of everything

I'm hoping that May will be better than April was. Some parts of it has been so far, others, not so much. Monkey turned 1 on May 8, and I can't believe that my lil guy is already one. He has gone from this tiny baby to this 31.5" 23lb lil guy. He has completed our family in more ways than one. I could not imagine my life without my two boys in it, they are my whole world. Bub got his cast off yesterday and the pins out. His arm is healing and new bone is forming. I know that it's gonna take awhile for him to loosen his biceps muscle, I'm just thankful he's ok. 

We allied for the post 9/11 caregiver program through the VA, and we have been accepted thus far. We have a home visit on the 23rd, and we will know for sure that day if we are approved or not. I pray that we are. That way I will have some sort of income along with insurance. That we I can go to a real dr and not the quack I have now. 

My surgery was approved!!!  I'm so excited. One step closer to being skinny again!  I'm so sick of being fat that it isn't funny. I am having all the same emotions that I did when I was a kid and was made fun of and bullied because I was fat. I hate looking in the mirror at myself. I hate the was that I look. 

Nathan's truck is acting up again. It's always something.  He went to trade it in yesterday, and because he already has an open car loan and less than perfect credit the banks won't loan to him. I think that's retarded. So, unless my dad can put the Jeep solely in his name, I don't know what we are going to do. We need a miracle!  I'm praying that God hears me. 

April sucks

I hate the month of April with a passion this year. On the 8th Bub broke his arm, the 12th he had surgery, and the 17th the transmission went out on Nathan's truck as he was coming home from work. I had break down and talk to my mother so we could use her truck until we figured out what to do about ours. My aunt died on Tuesday, and yesterday at the funeral home I got jumped on by my "sister" for just showing up, I called her and f-ing B**** and told her to go to hell, and her only retaliation was calling me a fat @$$, wow shows how mature you are and that you don't have a comeback. She claimed that I manipulate my dad and that she wasn't going anywhere. Wtf?!?! I'd like to know how! She's the manipulative one, the liar, and the thief. God took the wrong one when He took Becky (my sis that was killed). I did nothing but show up, and that's what I get, wth man! I think she's more mad bc he helps us out and would never help her out. He helped Becky out when she needed it before she died, never did her. She is jealous of me, always has been. I don't deserve to be treated the way that I was yesterday for just showing up, for any reason what so ever!

Bad few weeks

The past couple of weeks have been pure and utter HELL, and I don't use that word lightly. First, my cousin who I looked up to decided to just put me down, in public for the whole world to see on Facebook, telling me pretty much what a miserable person that I am. That got me so upset that I had a panic/asthma attack all in one because I truly looked up to her. Nathan hated seeing me so upset and told her off, in combination with Jaime. Then, Donna decided to do the same thing, along with her niece, see, she (Donna), can't fight her own battles and needs people constantly running to her defense. Everyone seems to think that I'm a negative person because I don't sugar coat things, or dance around on egg shells for the sake of not hurting people's feelings. I'm going to tell it how it is, and if you can't handle the truth then it's not my problem. I'm blunt, I'm honest, and by golly I'm gonna tell the truth!!!

Monday, 4/8/13, was a day that I never I'm my life want to relive. I was working on my research paper, and Nathan and Bubba were outside riding the three wheeler. At 4:30, something woke me up, I had fallen asleep typing my paper while the baby was napping. I ran outside and I see Bub walking to the house crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said his arm. I brought him inside and examined it. He couldn't raise it up and rotate it, his whole forearm was hanging down. I straightened it, and internally and externally rotated it with my hand cupping his elbow. All I could feel was bone crunching, and the end of his humerus was where his bicep was, it was horribly disfigured. I did about 85-90 on the way to the ICC. After two X-rays and 2 hrs, the diagnosis was supracondylar distal humerus fracture through his growth plate, and he will need surgery to repair it. So, Friday he had surgery, and it was worse than expected. Dr. Krueger is amazing. He had to piece together his bones and put two pins externally going into his humerus to hold it together. He expects that he won't lose any mobility or anything of that joint.

What happened to cause the break was that Nathan took his hands off the handle bars for a second while they were stopped to stretch his hands. He always tells Bub not to touch the handle bars, well the one time he didn't tell him because he thought he knew better, Bub grabs the handle bars, pressed the gas button and turned the wheel at full throttle. It threw them both off, Nathan caught Bub and hugged him and took the brunt of the fall, except for his arm, and the three wheeler landed on Nathan's ankle. I'm just glad my son and husband are alive. I haven't told many people, and when I told Donna all she could do was make smart @$$ remarks like, "I told you so," and "I've known this person and that person to get killed one one" and blah blah blah. My reply was, "at least my son is alive and not dead, and my husband saved his life, I goy care less if he was broke in 50 places as long as he's alive!" Well, she shut up after that one.

I'm more of a mother to my two kids and her daughter when I'm around her, than she is to her own child! She pawns her kid off on whomever every weekend just so she can get a break from her, she lives next door to Iroquois Park, and she never takes her there when its nice, don't let her play outside, don't let her have a bike, nothing. She lets her run around the house, even when company is over in nothing but her panties! She's 4 for crying out loud! Ethan has never, even as a baby ran around the house in only a diaper, pull-up, or underwear! To me, even though they are kids, that is teaching them that it's ok to only wear underwear. She never cooks dinner for her child, and when she does she don't cook her veggies, because she (Donna), don't like them. Well, her child does. She pretty much lets her kid raise herself. She's in preschool, and she's missed 30 some odd days of school this year and almost got kicked out of the program, through public school!!! What kind of parent is that, her kid gets a cough or runny nose, she kept her home. I feel sorry for her if the school thinks she's capable of going to kindergarten, will Donna allow her to even go? Her child is clearly in need of help, because her mother has made her into a mini Donna. Her child has ADD/ADHD, and sees a psychiatrist. Donna refuses to medicate her. She has anger issues, and depression on top of it, at 4!!! Also, she claims she has PTSD for her first marriage, bc he was a druggie. Please. Baby daddy beat her, and she don't have it from him. C'mon now! She also has severe depression, inability to cope with life in general, anxiety, and I believe bipolar, and she's not medicated. She tries to tell me how to raise my kids, IDTS!!! Ugh, some people don't need kids. She sleeps all day long, even when her child is home! All I can say is that as many times as CPS has been involved she's lucky that she still has her child.

Then yesterday my parents came down to see Bub and to bring my lawn mower. Well, things were fine until Bub asked my Mom to play soccer with him. She kept making excuses, til I told her that he knows his limits. Well, she told him to get his shoes. I asked him to come to me so I could fix his sling. Well, for no reason at all, she went all bipolar on him, AGAIN!!! Said she was leaving, etc. well, I followed her outside, told her if she cared about him at all shed apologize to him, etc. she gave me the finger and I called her psycho, and told her she wasn't allowed to see my kids again. Well, she came back in, took him in my rooms he told him not to tell me what she said to him then played soccer with him. After awhile I called him in for dinner and she went off again. I tried to talk to her, she kept on and on, and finally sped out of my driveway throwing gravel with him behind her truck. She's. to allowed to see or talk to my kids again unless she gets help. My kids are not going to be subjected to her antics. She don't care about them, if she did she wouldn't behave that way. I told my dad to get a MIW on her, he wants to see if she is going to go see a psychiatrist. I doubt she will go. She thinks an "I'm sorry" will change everything, it don't, and I'm not gonna lie to my son like she does, telling him she's sick in her heart! Please, she's sick in her head, and I told him that she don't know how to make good choices, and that she needs to talk to a doctor and that doctor needs to help her choose how to make good choices. I also told him that he wasn't allowed to see or talk to her until she can make good choices. And he understands that. He is scared of her, and he is already scarred over what she did the last time, and she pulled the same stuff again! No more!!! I'm done with her. I won't have my child around that crap like I was, it's not healthy.

Debates

Why must everything be such a debate? This whole issue of gay marriage has been so huge this week. I am against it, I think it's nasty, disgusting, morally, and ethically wrong. Yeah, I know gay people, friends with some, however, they know my stance on it and respect me and my opinion. I don't try and impose my beliefs upon them, and they don't try to impose their lifestyle upon me. I know that I have made some people mad with how I feel, but I don't care, if they are going to quit being my friend because of how I feel, then they weren't a friend to begin with. They gripe and moan about "equality" well overweight people want to be treated the same as skinny people, women want to be treated the same as men in the workforce, but that's life, and it's not gonna happen. Biblically, marriage=man and woman, not man and man or woman and woman. Women and men were created to reproduce, in God's image, bottom line! Being gay is an illness and a phase! I know I have made someone I consider a good friend because I am anti gay stuff, and no, I'm no homophobe. She yelled at me because I posted pro-gun stuff on Facebook, then she blew up Facebook with her pro gay stuff, so I told her off. She hasn't spoken to me since. There is more important things in the world than gay marriage.

Then there is parenting debates. I get attacked on parenting groups on Facebook because I am for circumcision. I see nothing wrong with it, it is cleaner, and it is better looking. If it wasn't meant to happen, then the Jews would have never circumcised their boys in Biblical times. So many people are "his body his choice," well, they are my kids and I feel it's best for them to be circumcised. Just like if I had a little girl, I'd get her ears pierced. I wish people would quit trying to change people's minds on things! Don't try and tell me how to raise my children!

Thankful

I think I'm finally at a point in my life to where I'm content. I have two awesome sons who I love more than anything, an amazing husband who I love more every day, my dad who I'm finally realizing after all of these years isn't the bad guy that my mom made him out to be, and that's really all that I need. I used to say that I'm going to keep having kids until I get a girl. I admit that both times that I was pregnant and was told they were boys, I was more than disappointed. I wanted and still do a little girl more than anything. My mom prayed both times that I'd get a boy, but now, I don't think that my body could handle being pregnant again, and I don't want to have to upgrade vehicles again since I just got my Jeep and I love my Jeep. I'm perfectly happy with my boys.

My relationship with my dad has gotten better. Nathan even suggested that he come stay with us because of how my mother is being. She spent all of their money this month, never cooks dinner, don't clean the house, hardly does laundry, and only wants to sleep all the time. I feel so bad because for years she blamed everything on him, but I'm beginning to wonder if she was just saying all that crap to make herself look better. He's helped us out so many times when he shouldn't have. But until she gets help, I don't want to be around her, she refuses to take responsibility for her actions. And I don't want my boys around that. I'm jealous of people who have perfectly normal parents and relationships with them, especially those whose mothers aren't nut jobs.

One thing that I can't wait for is to get another house. I wish that we wouldn't have even gotten this place. We can't drink the water, there is no storage, no fence, and in all honesty, I'm partly embarrassed of it. I mean, who is proud to live in a double wide? I miss having a real house, a brick house. I miss having carpet, cable Internet, water that you can drink, being close to stores, etc. but I'm thankful for a roof over my head. It was a huge mistake getting this place, but our neighborhood was getting bad, and my family's safety was priority. Hopefully soon we will have a nice house with a fenced yard and close to everything.

Yeah, there are times when I am jealous of people who can lose weight without trying, or who have a disposable income, or no debt, but then I remember where Nathan and I started out. When we got married we lived with my parents, and literally had NOTHING, and look at where we are now. We have two nice vehicles, just about anything we could want, our kids don't want for anything. They have anything a kid could want. So I'm thankful for what we have and for where we came from.

Looking out for my kids

Things with my mother are not getting any better, in fact they are getting worse. She can not grasp the concept that until she gets help and sticks with it that I don't want to be around her, and I don't want my kids around her. She doesn't get the fact that she truly has a problem, or that her medication is not working. Sure she went to therapy-for a week, but a week isn't long enough to even begin to work, much less get all of your problems out. She thinks that if she is on her meds, that is good enough for me, but it isn't because they are not working. There is something else going on besides her being bipolar. She projects all of her problems on me and my dad and tries to say that it's our fault. No, it's not our fault especially when we don't do anything and she flips a switch for no reason. She tried to say that I was causing problems because I don't want my children around her until she gets help, but I'm not. My dad agrees with me and don't blame me; I refuse to have my kids round what I went through as a kid. She has already scarred Ethan, and he's scared of her because the last time he saw her she slammed the Jeep door and told him she wasn't going to see him for no reason at all. I don't think that I'm wrong at all for how I feel.

Breaking the cycle

How to you change something about you when that is all you've known? When part of the reason why you are the way that you are is because of what you witnessed as a child, and no matter what, somehow you manage to screw everything up that you touch? That is how I feel right now. It seems as if every relationship that I have had I manage to somehow screw it up, because I somehow have developed my mother's habits. Growing up, she cheated on my dad constantly, picked fights, beat him up, etc, so I thought that it was ok. I swore I never would turn into her, but part of me has. I cheated on Josh with Andrew, got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Then there is Nathan, I've put him through hell more than once. He's stuck by me, and I don't deserve it. I've lost his trust, more than once, and each time it's harder to gain back. He's mad at me bc I unblocked Josh from Facebook, and thinks I've talked to him, which I hadn't, since December. He wasn't starting anything so I unblocked him. I love Nathan more than anything, I don't want anyone but him and our kids. Josh means nothing to me. I have got to stop turning into my mother, she is slowly ruining my life. From yelling at my kids, to manipulating me, to ingraining into me that it's ok to treat people like I had in the past. I've got to break the cycle. I want my family!

Drama Queen is at it again

I'm getting to the point that I can not deal with my mother. She's bipolar, been diagnosed, but refuses to follow through with any treatment. She goes on and off medication, refuses to follow through with counseling, takes everything out on me, and I mean everything, the wind could blow the wrong way, and I'd get yelled at. My dad gave us $1,000 for earnest money for a house since we are trying to buy one. What does she do? Get mad and throw a fit because he gave us the money and won't pay her bills. Well, she gets a check every month, she can pay her own. They didn't have enough money last month to pay their house pymt, so she goes on shopping sprees, she has no concept of money at all. She gets mad every time we move, get extra money, anything bc she feels as if she should get to move, or we should give her money. She's jealous bc Nathan takes care of me, pays my bills, buys me nice things, a new ca when I want one, jewelry, tells me if I wanna work I can, but on his days off,etc. She "claims" that she isn't jealous, but I know different. The other day I met her and my dad to get the money, and she tells Bubba she's not gonna see him anymore bc he got mad at me bc I told him to buckle up. She takes everything out on me. But the fact she's focusing her anger on my kids is too far. She has never had to do things on her own. She went from parents to hubby #1, back to parents to my dad. She's never had a man do for her what he does for me. Nathan is amazing. We have worked for everything we have, we may not have much, but we don't want for anything either. She's jealous of people who get food stamps, jealous that he brings in over $5,000 a month, jealous I got the Jeep, she's not happy for me at all. It's getting to the point I'm not gonna be around her again if she keeps it up.

Thankful for one man's testimony

My lil monkey had his first surgery today. I was so nervous, he's only 9 months old. His doctor though, was amazing, and I don't say that about doctors very often. He came in to talk to us before the procedure, and as he was bout to leave he asked, "I do bedside prayer, would that be something that you all are interested in?" I was astonished. Never in my life had I had a doctor as to pray over his/her patients before surgery. I said yes of course. So, after the procedure, he came and talked to us in the consult room, then about 10 minutes later he came out to the waiting area to tell us there had been some minor complications. As he was waking up from the surgery he threw up, and his vocal chords spasmed, and his O2 sats dropped and he had to be given a shot to relax his vocal chords and oxygen. I honestly believe that if it wasn't for the doctor praying over him before the surgery, that my little monkey may not be here with us today. I am so thankful for Dr. Wilson and his faith and trust in God. We truly need more medical providers like him in medicine today. He has a gift, and I believe that God is going to work through him to reach people.

My best friend

On the 25th, Nathan and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem like we have been married for 7 yrs. we have definitely had our problems, but we have withstood them. I love him more now than I did when I married him. I definitely don't deserve I'm, but am so thankful that he has stood by me. He has given me two amazing boys, works hard so I can stay home with them, has shown me what the finer things in life are, since growing up both of us didn't have much, and loves me despite my faults. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and I thank God for putting him in my life. Most people didn't think that we would make it past a yr, but we proved them wrong!

Family

I am just so hurt and furious. My dad had to have a large bowel resection on Tuesday because part of his colon had become necrotic. Well, blondie (his daughter who is 2 yrs younger than my mom) was there. Granted, I get that is his kid, but the fact of the matter is she is trying to take over, trying to take my place in comforting my mom, buying my child's affection, and being manipulative. I hate that woman, my mom thought it would be cute to try and get me and her to have a relationship, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I can't stand the ground that woman walks on, she has done nothing but cause problems, drama, and hurt my whole life, and yet my mom still associates with her. She thinks that she is better than everyone else, tries to take over, has caused problems with my family ever since I can remember, and yet my mom still speaks to her! I don't get it, as long as she is around, I doubt I will come around. I don't want my kids around her, I don't want to be around her. My mom is taking her side yet again, choosing her, and I gave my mom a choice, it's either her or me. I will not be subjected to her and her manipulations, neither will my kids. I wish that my mom would have never started speaking to her again, our life was better when she wasn't in it. Family is nothing, and she isn't family. My family is my parents and husband and kids. That's all I need, and if they choose her over me, then I will only have my husband and kids. She is nothing to me.

Just plain FAT

I just want to cry. The bariatrics dr called, and they won't see me bc I'm not fat enough, or not on meds for high Bp or high cholesterol. Really? I really want the surgery. So, my options for losing weight are A: eat myself to get fat enough for the surgery, or B: starve myself. I bought some HCG drops and I'm gonna try this now. I'm determined to lose this 80 pounds. I am sick of being fat and unattractive. I am tired of feeling this way, tired of having a spare tire for a stomach, seeing fat when I look in the mirror, wearing sweats all the time bc my jeans barely fit, seeing a double chin when I look in the mirror, having chicken wings for arms, I'm sick of it. I'm just plain fat!!! Before I had kids I could lose weight without trying. I don't regret my kids at all, I just wish I could lose this weight. I hate it, I hate how I look, I hate everything about me.

My hubby

I honestly don't know what I did to get such an amazing husband. He does so much for our family so that we have all that we need and want. He works so that I can stay home with the boys and not put them in daycare, sure we may not have much, but we don't want for anything either. We have had our problems, show me one couple that hasn't and I'll call you a liar; but we have always worked through them, and came out stronger. I love him more every day. He has given me two amazing boys who I didn't think if have, and the best 7 yrs of marriage possible. We got married 6 months after meeting each other, some thought we was crazy, others thought that we wouldn't make it, we lost a lot of friends, but we proved them all wrong. I'm so thankful that God put him in my life that night.

Material things

I know so many people that constantly brag about things, things they have just gotten, but always say they don't have any money. Really? You don't got any money, but yet you buy new cell phones, new computers, jewelry, etc? Seriously? We make over $60K a yr, without me working, and I rarely, I mean rarely buy myself anything. The only thing I do for myself I get my nails done, get my hair done about twice a year if that, and that's it. I don't need the newest technology, or the fanciest things. Yeah, I have expensive jewelry, but I didn't buy it, Nathan did. We have nice vehicles, he's got a rare 2005 Dodge Ram Daytona, and I have a 2012 Jeep Liberty. We may not have all the finer things in life, but that's fine with me. I don't need a $300 mixer, or a $200 coffee pot, or name brand clothes, or a new phone just because. None of that matters to me. I'd rather spend that money on my kids. They have more than I ever did as a kid. I hate how people constantly brag about things, it just makes people who don't have as much money as you do envious.

Doctors, weightloss, life

So, I went to the dr today to get my results from my appointment last month. My thyroid, kidneys, living, CBC, and CMP all came back normal; however my vitamin D levels were low, so she put me on prescription strength vitamin D pills for a couple of months. I asked her about the lap band surgery since I can't seem to lose this weight, so she is referring me out to bariatrics. I am so ready to get this weight off and to be a normal size again. I have being ft and feeling like a beached whale. I'm just praying that this doctor will do the surgery. I've tried for five friggin yrs to lose this weight, and no luck. I'll lose some then gain it all back and more. I'm tired of it. I envy people who don't ever gain weight, or have kids and are back to a size 0-2 in no time. Yeah, I was back in my pre pregnancy clothes the day I left the hospital with the baby, but that's a size 14, not a 4-6 that I want to be. I hate the way that I look, it disgusts me. I live in sweats bc I hate the way I look. I feel like I did when I was a kid getting bullied for being fat, I don't try and dress up bc I don't feel pretty, I hate the way I look, hate my smile, hate everything about myself, all bc of my weight. My face is fat, and I hate it. Some people can embrace their fluffiness, I detest it. I just don't know anymore.

Changes

Nathan and I decided that even though we bought our house and property last year we are going to try and use his VA loan and buy another house as soon as we get his credit straightened out. Since we filed bankruptcy we have been busting our @$$es to keep our credit good. We have bought 3 new cars, only are down to two now, never defaulted on a credit card, have had multiple personal loans, but his credit score still won't budge. Mine on the other hand has skyrocketed. I honestly don't get it. I just want a house with a garage, basement, fenced back yard for the kids and dogs, and to be able to drink my own tap water. We have a well now, which is fine, except for the fact that my water smells like rotten eggs and tastes like you're drinking a spoonful of salt. I hate it. Growing up on well water as a kid, I remember being able to drink it, but my water now, you can't. I hate the fact that Bubba don't have any friends to play with, except for at the top of the hill, no where to ride his bike unless I go with him, the fact that I have to drive 15 miles to get to Kroger, 20 if I want to go to WalMart, and the fact that if it rains too much I can't get off my road. I'm thankful for my house, don't get me wrong, but I miss being in a neighborhood. I miss being able to walk on the sidewalk with him riding his bike, I miss being able to have cable vs satellite, esp cable internet (it was so much cheaper). I just hope and pray that his credit score goes up soon that way we can buy a house close to work for him so he don't have to drive 25 miles to go to work, and that will save us SO much money in gas for him.

My weight loss/gain journey

I am officially fed up with my weight. I have struggled with my weight since after I delivered Ethan. I lost some, had PPD, gained it all back and more. I've tried weight loss pills, tried the gym, lost some, got pregnant with Joel, lost more, gained some back, had him, lost some finally got under 200, then gave up started eating a lot, and now I'm back at my heaviest. I'm fed up. I envy women who lose weight easily. Before I ever had kids I did not have a problem losing weight. I could cut what I ate down and in a week or two lose 3-5 pounds. Now, I can't lose anything to save my life. I've walked, worked out, cut out sodas, saw that it wasn't working, and I've given up. I just don't care anymore. I want the friggin lap band or gastric bypass. Yeah, I may be trying to take the easy way out, but I'm fed up with this roller coaster. I hate feeling like a fat cow, looking in the mirror and seeing myself and being disgusted with how I look. I hate myself, hate the way that I look, and don't see how Nathan can be attracted to me. If I could lose the weight, I may be happy with myself again.

Family and "friends"

So, I figured I'd give this blog thing a shot again. Sometimes I just need an outlet to get things off my chest since I tend to harbor feelings and it tends to turn into resentment. I feel like I'm turning into a loner. I don't have many friends, 1-2 at the most who I can say are my real friends. One of which refuses to come see me since I've moved out of Louisville, she refuses to leave the county, and the other does come down when she's going to her dad's place. I hate it, why should I make the trips to see her when she don't come see me? The other one was friends with Nathan and that's how I met her, she's come and visited us, but her baby daddy/bf is kinda a douche and only cares about himself, and won't pay her phone bill but will his. He works if you any to call it that, he's a convicted felon and is using her, so I have no way to get ahold of her. The other person I thought was my friend only likes to talk about herself, brags on things she gets, puts my husband down bc she feels he don't deserve his VA disability check bc he didn't deploy. Wtf does that matter if he didn't deploy? He still served our country, was injured in combat training, went to NTC, was getting on the plane for Iraq and they pulled him off and said he couldn't go. Oh, I forgot to mention she's Mexican, and is one of those stuck up Mexicans who thinks that everyone owes her something. I know this is harsh, but I can't wait til her husband gets out of the Army and they fall flat on their @$$es, and she has to go through what we did when he got out. We almost lost everything. Had to live in a one bedroom house, had a car repossessed, had to file bankruptcy, he went three months with out a job and no income until he started receiving his VA checks. It sucked. It's been two and a half years since we filed bankruptcy, and we are just now able to afford things again. He got a job on post, and we bought, well owner financed a place, have two nice vehicles, are trying to get his credit score up to buy the house we really want with a basement and fenced yard. She doesn't know what having it hard is. She constantly puts me down, and I'm done with her! I don't trust people easily, I miss having a lot of friends, I wish I knew why people don't like being around me. Its like when i hot married, I lost friends, when we moved back from Texas I lost even more friends, I thought when we moved back our friends we did have before we moved would want to hang out and stuff, WRONG! Even my in laws don't want anything to do with Nathan or me unless its a holiday. But, it don't seem to bother him, but it does me. My own family, with the exception of my parents could care less about me. My Mom's sister tries to tell me how to live my life, puts Nathan down, and talks bad about my kids, eff that! My cousins always try to one up me, and tell me I'm raising my kids wrong, and well, my "sister" don't even exist to me. So, with that being said, the only family that I need are my parents, husband, and our awesome boys.