Changes...

Tomorrow starts a life changing journey for me. I'm starting the pre-op diet for the lap band surgery. My surgery is scheduled for June 5 at 0800. I am beyond excited. I'm tired of being fat, feeling unattractive, and living in sweats. Even in the summer I live in sweats. I hate feeling my thighs rub together when I'm in a dress or seeing how huge my arms are in a sleeveless shirt. I wish that I was like other people that didn't keep baby weight on. I'm almost back at my heaviest which was 223, and right now I'm at 218.4!  Yeah, you can say that I pretty much gave up. I was 197 last year after I had the baby. I just can't wait til I have this surgery so I can start to feel happy again. 

My mother is back on her bipolar cycle again. Her meds aren't working, she is back to taking things out on me for no reason, saying that I need meds, don't listen to me when I say that I want nothing to do with her until she gets meds that work, thinks that saying that she's ok or sorry will make things better-it won't. I'm not her punching bag anymore. I will not tolerate it, and will not have my kids around her when she's like this either!  She's just going to have to accept the fact hat I'm not in her life while she's like this. Not once I'm her life has she ever accepted responsibility for her own actions, and it's time that she does. It's high time that she does.  I'm just tired of it. Sick of being the punching bag, her thinking that its ok to take things out on me and then act like nothing ever happened.  I'm on the verge of cutting her out of my life completely. 

Lil of everything

I'm hoping that May will be better than April was. Some parts of it has been so far, others, not so much. Monkey turned 1 on May 8, and I can't believe that my lil guy is already one. He has gone from this tiny baby to this 31.5" 23lb lil guy. He has completed our family in more ways than one. I could not imagine my life without my two boys in it, they are my whole world. Bub got his cast off yesterday and the pins out. His arm is healing and new bone is forming. I know that it's gonna take awhile for him to loosen his biceps muscle, I'm just thankful he's ok. 

We allied for the post 9/11 caregiver program through the VA, and we have been accepted thus far. We have a home visit on the 23rd, and we will know for sure that day if we are approved or not. I pray that we are. That way I will have some sort of income along with insurance. That we I can go to a real dr and not the quack I have now. 

My surgery was approved!!!  I'm so excited. One step closer to being skinny again!  I'm so sick of being fat that it isn't funny. I am having all the same emotions that I did when I was a kid and was made fun of and bullied because I was fat. I hate looking in the mirror at myself. I hate the was that I look. 

Nathan's truck is acting up again. It's always something.  He went to trade it in yesterday, and because he already has an open car loan and less than perfect credit the banks won't loan to him. I think that's retarded. So, unless my dad can put the Jeep solely in his name, I don't know what we are going to do. We need a miracle!  I'm praying that God hears me.