My best friend

On the 25th, Nathan and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem like we have been married for 7 yrs. we have definitely had our problems, but we have withstood them. I love him more now than I did when I married him. I definitely don't deserve I'm, but am so thankful that he has stood by me. He has given me two amazing boys, works hard so I can stay home with them, has shown me what the finer things in life are, since growing up both of us didn't have much, and loves me despite my faults. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and I thank God for putting him in my life. Most people didn't think that we would make it past a yr, but we proved them wrong!

Family

I am just so hurt and furious. My dad had to have a large bowel resection on Tuesday because part of his colon had become necrotic. Well, blondie (his daughter who is 2 yrs younger than my mom) was there. Granted, I get that is his kid, but the fact of the matter is she is trying to take over, trying to take my place in comforting my mom, buying my child's affection, and being manipulative. I hate that woman, my mom thought it would be cute to try and get me and her to have a relationship, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I can't stand the ground that woman walks on, she has done nothing but cause problems, drama, and hurt my whole life, and yet my mom still associates with her. She thinks that she is better than everyone else, tries to take over, has caused problems with my family ever since I can remember, and yet my mom still speaks to her! I don't get it, as long as she is around, I doubt I will come around. I don't want my kids around her, I don't want to be around her. My mom is taking her side yet again, choosing her, and I gave my mom a choice, it's either her or me. I will not be subjected to her and her manipulations, neither will my kids. I wish that my mom would have never started speaking to her again, our life was better when she wasn't in it. Family is nothing, and she isn't family. My family is my parents and husband and kids. That's all I need, and if they choose her over me, then I will only have my husband and kids. She is nothing to me.

Just plain FAT

I just want to cry. The bariatrics dr called, and they won't see me bc I'm not fat enough, or not on meds for high Bp or high cholesterol. Really? I really want the surgery. So, my options for losing weight are A: eat myself to get fat enough for the surgery, or B: starve myself. I bought some HCG drops and I'm gonna try this now. I'm determined to lose this 80 pounds. I am sick of being fat and unattractive. I am tired of feeling this way, tired of having a spare tire for a stomach, seeing fat when I look in the mirror, wearing sweats all the time bc my jeans barely fit, seeing a double chin when I look in the mirror, having chicken wings for arms, I'm sick of it. I'm just plain fat!!! Before I had kids I could lose weight without trying. I don't regret my kids at all, I just wish I could lose this weight. I hate it, I hate how I look, I hate everything about me.

My hubby

I honestly don't know what I did to get such an amazing husband. He does so much for our family so that we have all that we need and want. He works so that I can stay home with the boys and not put them in daycare, sure we may not have much, but we don't want for anything either. We have had our problems, show me one couple that hasn't and I'll call you a liar; but we have always worked through them, and came out stronger. I love him more every day. He has given me two amazing boys who I didn't think if have, and the best 7 yrs of marriage possible. We got married 6 months after meeting each other, some thought we was crazy, others thought that we wouldn't make it, we lost a lot of friends, but we proved them all wrong. I'm so thankful that God put him in my life that night.

Material things

I know so many people that constantly brag about things, things they have just gotten, but always say they don't have any money. Really? You don't got any money, but yet you buy new cell phones, new computers, jewelry, etc? Seriously? We make over $60K a yr, without me working, and I rarely, I mean rarely buy myself anything. The only thing I do for myself I get my nails done, get my hair done about twice a year if that, and that's it. I don't need the newest technology, or the fanciest things. Yeah, I have expensive jewelry, but I didn't buy it, Nathan did. We have nice vehicles, he's got a rare 2005 Dodge Ram Daytona, and I have a 2012 Jeep Liberty. We may not have all the finer things in life, but that's fine with me. I don't need a $300 mixer, or a $200 coffee pot, or name brand clothes, or a new phone just because. None of that matters to me. I'd rather spend that money on my kids. They have more than I ever did as a kid. I hate how people constantly brag about things, it just makes people who don't have as much money as you do envious.

Doctors, weightloss, life

So, I went to the dr today to get my results from my appointment last month. My thyroid, kidneys, living, CBC, and CMP all came back normal; however my vitamin D levels were low, so she put me on prescription strength vitamin D pills for a couple of months. I asked her about the lap band surgery since I can't seem to lose this weight, so she is referring me out to bariatrics. I am so ready to get this weight off and to be a normal size again. I have being ft and feeling like a beached whale. I'm just praying that this doctor will do the surgery. I've tried for five friggin yrs to lose this weight, and no luck. I'll lose some then gain it all back and more. I'm tired of it. I envy people who don't ever gain weight, or have kids and are back to a size 0-2 in no time. Yeah, I was back in my pre pregnancy clothes the day I left the hospital with the baby, but that's a size 14, not a 4-6 that I want to be. I hate the way that I look, it disgusts me. I live in sweats bc I hate the way I look. I feel like I did when I was a kid getting bullied for being fat, I don't try and dress up bc I don't feel pretty, I hate the way I look, hate my smile, hate everything about myself, all bc of my weight. My face is fat, and I hate it. Some people can embrace their fluffiness, I detest it. I just don't know anymore.

Changes

Nathan and I decided that even though we bought our house and property last year we are going to try and use his VA loan and buy another house as soon as we get his credit straightened out. Since we filed bankruptcy we have been busting our @$$es to keep our credit good. We have bought 3 new cars, only are down to two now, never defaulted on a credit card, have had multiple personal loans, but his credit score still won't budge. Mine on the other hand has skyrocketed. I honestly don't get it. I just want a house with a garage, basement, fenced back yard for the kids and dogs, and to be able to drink my own tap water. We have a well now, which is fine, except for the fact that my water smells like rotten eggs and tastes like you're drinking a spoonful of salt. I hate it. Growing up on well water as a kid, I remember being able to drink it, but my water now, you can't. I hate the fact that Bubba don't have any friends to play with, except for at the top of the hill, no where to ride his bike unless I go with him, the fact that I have to drive 15 miles to get to Kroger, 20 if I want to go to WalMart, and the fact that if it rains too much I can't get off my road. I'm thankful for my house, don't get me wrong, but I miss being in a neighborhood. I miss being able to walk on the sidewalk with him riding his bike, I miss being able to have cable vs satellite, esp cable internet (it was so much cheaper). I just hope and pray that his credit score goes up soon that way we can buy a house close to work for him so he don't have to drive 25 miles to go to work, and that will save us SO much money in gas for him.

My weight loss/gain journey

I am officially fed up with my weight. I have struggled with my weight since after I delivered Ethan. I lost some, had PPD, gained it all back and more. I've tried weight loss pills, tried the gym, lost some, got pregnant with Joel, lost more, gained some back, had him, lost some finally got under 200, then gave up started eating a lot, and now I'm back at my heaviest. I'm fed up. I envy women who lose weight easily. Before I ever had kids I did not have a problem losing weight. I could cut what I ate down and in a week or two lose 3-5 pounds. Now, I can't lose anything to save my life. I've walked, worked out, cut out sodas, saw that it wasn't working, and I've given up. I just don't care anymore. I want the friggin lap band or gastric bypass. Yeah, I may be trying to take the easy way out, but I'm fed up with this roller coaster. I hate feeling like a fat cow, looking in the mirror and seeing myself and being disgusted with how I look. I hate myself, hate the way that I look, and don't see how Nathan can be attracted to me. If I could lose the weight, I may be happy with myself again.

Family and "friends"

So, I figured I'd give this blog thing a shot again. Sometimes I just need an outlet to get things off my chest since I tend to harbor feelings and it tends to turn into resentment. I feel like I'm turning into a loner. I don't have many friends, 1-2 at the most who I can say are my real friends. One of which refuses to come see me since I've moved out of Louisville, she refuses to leave the county, and the other does come down when she's going to her dad's place. I hate it, why should I make the trips to see her when she don't come see me? The other one was friends with Nathan and that's how I met her, she's come and visited us, but her baby daddy/bf is kinda a douche and only cares about himself, and won't pay her phone bill but will his. He works if you any to call it that, he's a convicted felon and is using her, so I have no way to get ahold of her. The other person I thought was my friend only likes to talk about herself, brags on things she gets, puts my husband down bc she feels he don't deserve his VA disability check bc he didn't deploy. Wtf does that matter if he didn't deploy? He still served our country, was injured in combat training, went to NTC, was getting on the plane for Iraq and they pulled him off and said he couldn't go. Oh, I forgot to mention she's Mexican, and is one of those stuck up Mexicans who thinks that everyone owes her something. I know this is harsh, but I can't wait til her husband gets out of the Army and they fall flat on their @$$es, and she has to go through what we did when he got out. We almost lost everything. Had to live in a one bedroom house, had a car repossessed, had to file bankruptcy, he went three months with out a job and no income until he started receiving his VA checks. It sucked. It's been two and a half years since we filed bankruptcy, and we are just now able to afford things again. He got a job on post, and we bought, well owner financed a place, have two nice vehicles, are trying to get his credit score up to buy the house we really want with a basement and fenced yard. She doesn't know what having it hard is. She constantly puts me down, and I'm done with her! I don't trust people easily, I miss having a lot of friends, I wish I knew why people don't like being around me. Its like when i hot married, I lost friends, when we moved back from Texas I lost even more friends, I thought when we moved back our friends we did have before we moved would want to hang out and stuff, WRONG! Even my in laws don't want anything to do with Nathan or me unless its a holiday. But, it don't seem to bother him, but it does me. My own family, with the exception of my parents could care less about me. My Mom's sister tries to tell me how to live my life, puts Nathan down, and talks bad about my kids, eff that! My cousins always try to one up me, and tell me I'm raising my kids wrong, and well, my "sister" don't even exist to me. So, with that being said, the only family that I need are my parents, husband, and our awesome boys.