Civilization

I am just so ready to move from here that it's unreal. This isn't home, there's nothing here for me. I thought that when we moved back from Texas that it'd be like it was before we left we'd have friends, but it's not. We really don't have anyone, I have Jaime and he has AJ. My mom is constantly having bipolar episodes to the point that I don't even want to be around her, much less the kids, and his family, yeah right. He's always been the black sheep of the family in Michigan and in Kentucky. I hate it here so badly. I hate not having any friends, of all 600+ Facebook friends that I have, I can only say that one of them is a true friend, the rest are just aquaintances. I invited a lot to monkey's party only one showed up besides Luke. What does that say about who really cares about me and my kids. It hurts, it really does. I feel so alone. 

I mentioned to him about moving to Michigan, him getting his job at ACI back, to give us a fresh start, but he said that he didn't know. I know that it's never felt like home to him, partly because of Cathy. After we moved to Texas, Kentucky didnt really feel like home to me. Texas felt like home. I just want to get out of Kentucky, so I don't have to deal with my mother and her bs. I'm tired of it, sick of these bipolar episodes that I am subjected to, sick of being the punching bag, sick of her telling me that I need medication when I don't, and most of all I'm sick of her favoring Bub over monkey. I just want to go somewhere, Michigan, Texas, I don't care and start over. I want a house again, with a permanent foundation, fenced in yard, a pool, but most of all, I want to be happy again. 

I hate living where we do, far away from things, having to worry about the house being taken away by a tornado because its a double wide. I didn't think living in one would bother me, but it does. I hate not being able to drink my own water, dealing with mice all the time because we live in the middle of a field. I want a neighborhood again, I want my kids to have friends from the neighborhood. I wouldn't be objected to renting again, but Nathan is. I just want to be back in civilization. 

Changes...

Tomorrow starts a life changing journey for me. I'm starting the pre-op diet for the lap band surgery. My surgery is scheduled for June 5 at 0800. I am beyond excited. I'm tired of being fat, feeling unattractive, and living in sweats. Even in the summer I live in sweats. I hate feeling my thighs rub together when I'm in a dress or seeing how huge my arms are in a sleeveless shirt. I wish that I was like other people that didn't keep baby weight on. I'm almost back at my heaviest which was 223, and right now I'm at 218.4!  Yeah, you can say that I pretty much gave up. I was 197 last year after I had the baby. I just can't wait til I have this surgery so I can start to feel happy again. 

My mother is back on her bipolar cycle again. Her meds aren't working, she is back to taking things out on me for no reason, saying that I need meds, don't listen to me when I say that I want nothing to do with her until she gets meds that work, thinks that saying that she's ok or sorry will make things better-it won't. I'm not her punching bag anymore. I will not tolerate it, and will not have my kids around her when she's like this either!  She's just going to have to accept the fact hat I'm not in her life while she's like this. Not once I'm her life has she ever accepted responsibility for her own actions, and it's time that she does. It's high time that she does.  I'm just tired of it. Sick of being the punching bag, her thinking that its ok to take things out on me and then act like nothing ever happened.  I'm on the verge of cutting her out of my life completely. 

Lil of everything

I'm hoping that May will be better than April was. Some parts of it has been so far, others, not so much. Monkey turned 1 on May 8, and I can't believe that my lil guy is already one. He has gone from this tiny baby to this 31.5" 23lb lil guy. He has completed our family in more ways than one. I could not imagine my life without my two boys in it, they are my whole world. Bub got his cast off yesterday and the pins out. His arm is healing and new bone is forming. I know that it's gonna take awhile for him to loosen his biceps muscle, I'm just thankful he's ok. 

We allied for the post 9/11 caregiver program through the VA, and we have been accepted thus far. We have a home visit on the 23rd, and we will know for sure that day if we are approved or not. I pray that we are. That way I will have some sort of income along with insurance. That we I can go to a real dr and not the quack I have now. 

My surgery was approved!!!  I'm so excited. One step closer to being skinny again!  I'm so sick of being fat that it isn't funny. I am having all the same emotions that I did when I was a kid and was made fun of and bullied because I was fat. I hate looking in the mirror at myself. I hate the was that I look. 

Nathan's truck is acting up again. It's always something.  He went to trade it in yesterday, and because he already has an open car loan and less than perfect credit the banks won't loan to him. I think that's retarded. So, unless my dad can put the Jeep solely in his name, I don't know what we are going to do. We need a miracle!  I'm praying that God hears me. 

April sucks

I hate the month of April with a passion this year. On the 8th Bub broke his arm, the 12th he had surgery, and the 17th the transmission went out on Nathan's truck as he was coming home from work. I had break down and talk to my mother so we could use her truck until we figured out what to do about ours. My aunt died on Tuesday, and yesterday at the funeral home I got jumped on by my "sister" for just showing up, I called her and f-ing B**** and told her to go to hell, and her only retaliation was calling me a fat @$$, wow shows how mature you are and that you don't have a comeback. She claimed that I manipulate my dad and that she wasn't going anywhere. Wtf?!?! I'd like to know how! She's the manipulative one, the liar, and the thief. God took the wrong one when He took Becky (my sis that was killed). I did nothing but show up, and that's what I get, wth man! I think she's more mad bc he helps us out and would never help her out. He helped Becky out when she needed it before she died, never did her. She is jealous of me, always has been. I don't deserve to be treated the way that I was yesterday for just showing up, for any reason what so ever!

Bad few weeks

The past couple of weeks have been pure and utter HELL, and I don't use that word lightly. First, my cousin who I looked up to decided to just put me down, in public for the whole world to see on Facebook, telling me pretty much what a miserable person that I am. That got me so upset that I had a panic/asthma attack all in one because I truly looked up to her. Nathan hated seeing me so upset and told her off, in combination with Jaime. Then, Donna decided to do the same thing, along with her niece, see, she (Donna), can't fight her own battles and needs people constantly running to her defense. Everyone seems to think that I'm a negative person because I don't sugar coat things, or dance around on egg shells for the sake of not hurting people's feelings. I'm going to tell it how it is, and if you can't handle the truth then it's not my problem. I'm blunt, I'm honest, and by golly I'm gonna tell the truth!!!

Monday, 4/8/13, was a day that I never I'm my life want to relive. I was working on my research paper, and Nathan and Bubba were outside riding the three wheeler. At 4:30, something woke me up, I had fallen asleep typing my paper while the baby was napping. I ran outside and I see Bub walking to the house crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said his arm. I brought him inside and examined it. He couldn't raise it up and rotate it, his whole forearm was hanging down. I straightened it, and internally and externally rotated it with my hand cupping his elbow. All I could feel was bone crunching, and the end of his humerus was where his bicep was, it was horribly disfigured. I did about 85-90 on the way to the ICC. After two X-rays and 2 hrs, the diagnosis was supracondylar distal humerus fracture through his growth plate, and he will need surgery to repair it. So, Friday he had surgery, and it was worse than expected. Dr. Krueger is amazing. He had to piece together his bones and put two pins externally going into his humerus to hold it together. He expects that he won't lose any mobility or anything of that joint.

What happened to cause the break was that Nathan took his hands off the handle bars for a second while they were stopped to stretch his hands. He always tells Bub not to touch the handle bars, well the one time he didn't tell him because he thought he knew better, Bub grabs the handle bars, pressed the gas button and turned the wheel at full throttle. It threw them both off, Nathan caught Bub and hugged him and took the brunt of the fall, except for his arm, and the three wheeler landed on Nathan's ankle. I'm just glad my son and husband are alive. I haven't told many people, and when I told Donna all she could do was make smart @$$ remarks like, "I told you so," and "I've known this person and that person to get killed one one" and blah blah blah. My reply was, "at least my son is alive and not dead, and my husband saved his life, I goy care less if he was broke in 50 places as long as he's alive!" Well, she shut up after that one.

I'm more of a mother to my two kids and her daughter when I'm around her, than she is to her own child! She pawns her kid off on whomever every weekend just so she can get a break from her, she lives next door to Iroquois Park, and she never takes her there when its nice, don't let her play outside, don't let her have a bike, nothing. She lets her run around the house, even when company is over in nothing but her panties! She's 4 for crying out loud! Ethan has never, even as a baby ran around the house in only a diaper, pull-up, or underwear! To me, even though they are kids, that is teaching them that it's ok to only wear underwear. She never cooks dinner for her child, and when she does she don't cook her veggies, because she (Donna), don't like them. Well, her child does. She pretty much lets her kid raise herself. She's in preschool, and she's missed 30 some odd days of school this year and almost got kicked out of the program, through public school!!! What kind of parent is that, her kid gets a cough or runny nose, she kept her home. I feel sorry for her if the school thinks she's capable of going to kindergarten, will Donna allow her to even go? Her child is clearly in need of help, because her mother has made her into a mini Donna. Her child has ADD/ADHD, and sees a psychiatrist. Donna refuses to medicate her. She has anger issues, and depression on top of it, at 4!!! Also, she claims she has PTSD for her first marriage, bc he was a druggie. Please. Baby daddy beat her, and she don't have it from him. C'mon now! She also has severe depression, inability to cope with life in general, anxiety, and I believe bipolar, and she's not medicated. She tries to tell me how to raise my kids, IDTS!!! Ugh, some people don't need kids. She sleeps all day long, even when her child is home! All I can say is that as many times as CPS has been involved she's lucky that she still has her child.

Then yesterday my parents came down to see Bub and to bring my lawn mower. Well, things were fine until Bub asked my Mom to play soccer with him. She kept making excuses, til I told her that he knows his limits. Well, she told him to get his shoes. I asked him to come to me so I could fix his sling. Well, for no reason at all, she went all bipolar on him, AGAIN!!! Said she was leaving, etc. well, I followed her outside, told her if she cared about him at all shed apologize to him, etc. she gave me the finger and I called her psycho, and told her she wasn't allowed to see my kids again. Well, she came back in, took him in my rooms he told him not to tell me what she said to him then played soccer with him. After awhile I called him in for dinner and she went off again. I tried to talk to her, she kept on and on, and finally sped out of my driveway throwing gravel with him behind her truck. She's. to allowed to see or talk to my kids again unless she gets help. My kids are not going to be subjected to her antics. She don't care about them, if she did she wouldn't behave that way. I told my dad to get a MIW on her, he wants to see if she is going to go see a psychiatrist. I doubt she will go. She thinks an "I'm sorry" will change everything, it don't, and I'm not gonna lie to my son like she does, telling him she's sick in her heart! Please, she's sick in her head, and I told him that she don't know how to make good choices, and that she needs to talk to a doctor and that doctor needs to help her choose how to make good choices. I also told him that he wasn't allowed to see or talk to her until she can make good choices. And he understands that. He is scared of her, and he is already scarred over what she did the last time, and she pulled the same stuff again! No more!!! I'm done with her. I won't have my child around that crap like I was, it's not healthy.

Debates

Why must everything be such a debate? This whole issue of gay marriage has been so huge this week. I am against it, I think it's nasty, disgusting, morally, and ethically wrong. Yeah, I know gay people, friends with some, however, they know my stance on it and respect me and my opinion. I don't try and impose my beliefs upon them, and they don't try to impose their lifestyle upon me. I know that I have made some people mad with how I feel, but I don't care, if they are going to quit being my friend because of how I feel, then they weren't a friend to begin with. They gripe and moan about "equality" well overweight people want to be treated the same as skinny people, women want to be treated the same as men in the workforce, but that's life, and it's not gonna happen. Biblically, marriage=man and woman, not man and man or woman and woman. Women and men were created to reproduce, in God's image, bottom line! Being gay is an illness and a phase! I know I have made someone I consider a good friend because I am anti gay stuff, and no, I'm no homophobe. She yelled at me because I posted pro-gun stuff on Facebook, then she blew up Facebook with her pro gay stuff, so I told her off. She hasn't spoken to me since. There is more important things in the world than gay marriage.

Then there is parenting debates. I get attacked on parenting groups on Facebook because I am for circumcision. I see nothing wrong with it, it is cleaner, and it is better looking. If it wasn't meant to happen, then the Jews would have never circumcised their boys in Biblical times. So many people are "his body his choice," well, they are my kids and I feel it's best for them to be circumcised. Just like if I had a little girl, I'd get her ears pierced. I wish people would quit trying to change people's minds on things! Don't try and tell me how to raise my children!

Thankful

I think I'm finally at a point in my life to where I'm content. I have two awesome sons who I love more than anything, an amazing husband who I love more every day, my dad who I'm finally realizing after all of these years isn't the bad guy that my mom made him out to be, and that's really all that I need. I used to say that I'm going to keep having kids until I get a girl. I admit that both times that I was pregnant and was told they were boys, I was more than disappointed. I wanted and still do a little girl more than anything. My mom prayed both times that I'd get a boy, but now, I don't think that my body could handle being pregnant again, and I don't want to have to upgrade vehicles again since I just got my Jeep and I love my Jeep. I'm perfectly happy with my boys.

My relationship with my dad has gotten better. Nathan even suggested that he come stay with us because of how my mother is being. She spent all of their money this month, never cooks dinner, don't clean the house, hardly does laundry, and only wants to sleep all the time. I feel so bad because for years she blamed everything on him, but I'm beginning to wonder if she was just saying all that crap to make herself look better. He's helped us out so many times when he shouldn't have. But until she gets help, I don't want to be around her, she refuses to take responsibility for her actions. And I don't want my boys around that. I'm jealous of people who have perfectly normal parents and relationships with them, especially those whose mothers aren't nut jobs.

One thing that I can't wait for is to get another house. I wish that we wouldn't have even gotten this place. We can't drink the water, there is no storage, no fence, and in all honesty, I'm partly embarrassed of it. I mean, who is proud to live in a double wide? I miss having a real house, a brick house. I miss having carpet, cable Internet, water that you can drink, being close to stores, etc. but I'm thankful for a roof over my head. It was a huge mistake getting this place, but our neighborhood was getting bad, and my family's safety was priority. Hopefully soon we will have a nice house with a fenced yard and close to everything.

Yeah, there are times when I am jealous of people who can lose weight without trying, or who have a disposable income, or no debt, but then I remember where Nathan and I started out. When we got married we lived with my parents, and literally had NOTHING, and look at where we are now. We have two nice vehicles, just about anything we could want, our kids don't want for anything. They have anything a kid could want. So I'm thankful for what we have and for where we came from.