Thankful

I think I'm finally at a point in my life to where I'm content. I have two awesome sons who I love more than anything, an amazing husband who I love more every day, my dad who I'm finally realizing after all of these years isn't the bad guy that my mom made him out to be, and that's really all that I need. I used to say that I'm going to keep having kids until I get a girl. I admit that both times that I was pregnant and was told they were boys, I was more than disappointed. I wanted and still do a little girl more than anything. My mom prayed both times that I'd get a boy, but now, I don't think that my body could handle being pregnant again, and I don't want to have to upgrade vehicles again since I just got my Jeep and I love my Jeep. I'm perfectly happy with my boys.

My relationship with my dad has gotten better. Nathan even suggested that he come stay with us because of how my mother is being. She spent all of their money this month, never cooks dinner, don't clean the house, hardly does laundry, and only wants to sleep all the time. I feel so bad because for years she blamed everything on him, but I'm beginning to wonder if she was just saying all that crap to make herself look better. He's helped us out so many times when he shouldn't have. But until she gets help, I don't want to be around her, she refuses to take responsibility for her actions. And I don't want my boys around that. I'm jealous of people who have perfectly normal parents and relationships with them, especially those whose mothers aren't nut jobs.

One thing that I can't wait for is to get another house. I wish that we wouldn't have even gotten this place. We can't drink the water, there is no storage, no fence, and in all honesty, I'm partly embarrassed of it. I mean, who is proud to live in a double wide? I miss having a real house, a brick house. I miss having carpet, cable Internet, water that you can drink, being close to stores, etc. but I'm thankful for a roof over my head. It was a huge mistake getting this place, but our neighborhood was getting bad, and my family's safety was priority. Hopefully soon we will have a nice house with a fenced yard and close to everything.

Yeah, there are times when I am jealous of people who can lose weight without trying, or who have a disposable income, or no debt, but then I remember where Nathan and I started out. When we got married we lived with my parents, and literally had NOTHING, and look at where we are now. We have two nice vehicles, just about anything we could want, our kids don't want for anything. They have anything a kid could want. So I'm thankful for what we have and for where we came from.

Looking out for my kids

Things with my mother are not getting any better, in fact they are getting worse. She can not grasp the concept that until she gets help and sticks with it that I don't want to be around her, and I don't want my kids around her. She doesn't get the fact that she truly has a problem, or that her medication is not working. Sure she went to therapy-for a week, but a week isn't long enough to even begin to work, much less get all of your problems out. She thinks that if she is on her meds, that is good enough for me, but it isn't because they are not working. There is something else going on besides her being bipolar. She projects all of her problems on me and my dad and tries to say that it's our fault. No, it's not our fault especially when we don't do anything and she flips a switch for no reason. She tried to say that I was causing problems because I don't want my children around her until she gets help, but I'm not. My dad agrees with me and don't blame me; I refuse to have my kids round what I went through as a kid. She has already scarred Ethan, and he's scared of her because the last time he saw her she slammed the Jeep door and told him she wasn't going to see him for no reason at all. I don't think that I'm wrong at all for how I feel.

Breaking the cycle

How to you change something about you when that is all you've known? When part of the reason why you are the way that you are is because of what you witnessed as a child, and no matter what, somehow you manage to screw everything up that you touch? That is how I feel right now. It seems as if every relationship that I have had I manage to somehow screw it up, because I somehow have developed my mother's habits. Growing up, she cheated on my dad constantly, picked fights, beat him up, etc, so I thought that it was ok. I swore I never would turn into her, but part of me has. I cheated on Josh with Andrew, got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Then there is Nathan, I've put him through hell more than once. He's stuck by me, and I don't deserve it. I've lost his trust, more than once, and each time it's harder to gain back. He's mad at me bc I unblocked Josh from Facebook, and thinks I've talked to him, which I hadn't, since December. He wasn't starting anything so I unblocked him. I love Nathan more than anything, I don't want anyone but him and our kids. Josh means nothing to me. I have got to stop turning into my mother, she is slowly ruining my life. From yelling at my kids, to manipulating me, to ingraining into me that it's ok to treat people like I had in the past. I've got to break the cycle. I want my family!

Drama Queen is at it again

I'm getting to the point that I can not deal with my mother. She's bipolar, been diagnosed, but refuses to follow through with any treatment. She goes on and off medication, refuses to follow through with counseling, takes everything out on me, and I mean everything, the wind could blow the wrong way, and I'd get yelled at. My dad gave us $1,000 for earnest money for a house since we are trying to buy one. What does she do? Get mad and throw a fit because he gave us the money and won't pay her bills. Well, she gets a check every month, she can pay her own. They didn't have enough money last month to pay their house pymt, so she goes on shopping sprees, she has no concept of money at all. She gets mad every time we move, get extra money, anything bc she feels as if she should get to move, or we should give her money. She's jealous bc Nathan takes care of me, pays my bills, buys me nice things, a new ca when I want one, jewelry, tells me if I wanna work I can, but on his days off,etc. She "claims" that she isn't jealous, but I know different. The other day I met her and my dad to get the money, and she tells Bubba she's not gonna see him anymore bc he got mad at me bc I told him to buckle up. She takes everything out on me. But the fact she's focusing her anger on my kids is too far. She has never had to do things on her own. She went from parents to hubby #1, back to parents to my dad. She's never had a man do for her what he does for me. Nathan is amazing. We have worked for everything we have, we may not have much, but we don't want for anything either. She's jealous of people who get food stamps, jealous that he brings in over $5,000 a month, jealous I got the Jeep, she's not happy for me at all. It's getting to the point I'm not gonna be around her again if she keeps it up.

Thankful for one man's testimony

My lil monkey had his first surgery today. I was so nervous, he's only 9 months old. His doctor though, was amazing, and I don't say that about doctors very often. He came in to talk to us before the procedure, and as he was bout to leave he asked, "I do bedside prayer, would that be something that you all are interested in?" I was astonished. Never in my life had I had a doctor as to pray over his/her patients before surgery. I said yes of course. So, after the procedure, he came and talked to us in the consult room, then about 10 minutes later he came out to the waiting area to tell us there had been some minor complications. As he was waking up from the surgery he threw up, and his vocal chords spasmed, and his O2 sats dropped and he had to be given a shot to relax his vocal chords and oxygen. I honestly believe that if it wasn't for the doctor praying over him before the surgery, that my little monkey may not be here with us today. I am so thankful for Dr. Wilson and his faith and trust in God. We truly need more medical providers like him in medicine today. He has a gift, and I believe that God is going to work through him to reach people.

My best friend

On the 25th, Nathan and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem like we have been married for 7 yrs. we have definitely had our problems, but we have withstood them. I love him more now than I did when I married him. I definitely don't deserve I'm, but am so thankful that he has stood by me. He has given me two amazing boys, works hard so I can stay home with them, has shown me what the finer things in life are, since growing up both of us didn't have much, and loves me despite my faults. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and I thank God for putting him in my life. Most people didn't think that we would make it past a yr, but we proved them wrong!

Family

I am just so hurt and furious. My dad had to have a large bowel resection on Tuesday because part of his colon had become necrotic. Well, blondie (his daughter who is 2 yrs younger than my mom) was there. Granted, I get that is his kid, but the fact of the matter is she is trying to take over, trying to take my place in comforting my mom, buying my child's affection, and being manipulative. I hate that woman, my mom thought it would be cute to try and get me and her to have a relationship, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I can't stand the ground that woman walks on, she has done nothing but cause problems, drama, and hurt my whole life, and yet my mom still associates with her. She thinks that she is better than everyone else, tries to take over, has caused problems with my family ever since I can remember, and yet my mom still speaks to her! I don't get it, as long as she is around, I doubt I will come around. I don't want my kids around her, I don't want to be around her. My mom is taking her side yet again, choosing her, and I gave my mom a choice, it's either her or me. I will not be subjected to her and her manipulations, neither will my kids. I wish that my mom would have never started speaking to her again, our life was better when she wasn't in it. Family is nothing, and she isn't family. My family is my parents and husband and kids. That's all I need, and if they choose her over me, then I will only have my husband and kids. She is nothing to me.